I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth. . .

If you're like me, and I know I am, you might not read recipes carefully prior to going shopping. Then you're in the middle of baking and realize that you can't finish the recipe.

What to do?

Well, generally, it is best to go back to the store. Or find a different recipe.

But we can SUBSTITUTE. Sometimes we can even SUBSTITUTE for a SUBSTITUTE!

Here are some quick fixes for what you might be missing.

ALL SPICE: Use a mixture of half cinnamon and half cloves.

BAKER'S CHOCOLATE: You can replace an ounce with a tablespoon of Crisco and 3 Tablespoons Cocoa powder.

BUTTERMILK: You can use yogurt in most recipes, or make some buttermilk by pouring a cup of whole milk over a tablespoon of white vinegar and letting it sit for five minutes.

WHITE SUGAR: Brown sugar, just use 25% more.

Seriously, though. Nobody keeps buttermilk in their house, right?

Roast Chicken (Farm Style)

I thought I give a simple recipe for chicken where you didn't have to butcher and brown it first.

I don't know why you wouldn't want to do these things, but some people are weird.

This recipe is easy in terms of ingredients, but needs a dutch oven to work properly.

In fact, I think that this recipe might only require THREE ingredients. Four, if you count water.

You won't get a crispy skin, which is sad.

1. Buy a chicken. You'll want a roaster. Nothing major. A four pound bird.

2. Preheat the oven to 375.

3. Remove the giblets and rinse the bird.

4. Place the bird in a dutch oven, breast side up.

5. Add 3/4 cups water and 3 tablespoons butter into the dutch oven.

6. Lay five strips of bacon over the top of the bird, perpendicular to its line of symmetry.

7. Put the top on the dutch oven.

8. Put the dutch oven in the proper oven.

9. Leave it in there for 75 minutes. (Some recipes call for constant basting. I don't have a baster, so in order to keep the bird from drying out I leave the top on the dutch oven. Its easier.)

10. Take the bird out and put it on a plate for slicing. (Eat the bacon or share it with the dog.)

11. Pour some of the fat out of the juices. (It should be floating on top.)

12. Add 1 cup of water to the oven juices.

13. Place that on the stove on high.

14. Boil and reduce the volume to half.

15. Hey, you've got gravy!

I suppose I should add a recipe for biscuits. . .

Bound Breading

For those who want to put crumbs on food, this is a recipe for you!

Did you know that bound breading is also known as "coating a l'anglaise"? Did you know that it is almost never called BTK breading?

1. Start by taking that stuff upon which you want there to be crumbs and drying it off. Paper towels work fine.

2. Make a bowl of seasoned flour. Season the flour however you want. Salt, pepper and paprika work for me. (If you have pie tins, they work well for shallow bowls.)

3. In another shallow bowl, mix one beaten egg with a tablespoon of milk. (Don't mix this too much.You don't want it to get bubbly.)

4. In a third bowl, have some breadcrumbs. Have these seasoned however you like, garlic salt, Parmesan cheese, eleven herbs and spices.  Most grocery stores sell pre-seasoned bread crumbs. IF you find a brand you like, good on you.

5. Now take your stuff and put it in the flour. Toss it from one hand to the other to shake off the excess.

6. Slide the stuff through the the egg. Make sure it is gets over all the flour.

7. Hold the stuff over the egg bowl and let all the excess drip off.

8. Now put the stuff into the bread crumbs. Turn and press. Make sure it is completely covered. If it is not, sprinkle some breadcrumbs over its naked shame.

9. Set the newly coated stuff onto a cooling rack. Let it sit there for about 20 minutes before you fry whatever it is you have.

 Just leave it on the counter for those 20 minutes. Don't put it in the fridge or anything. It messes with the frying.


Oh man, I ended the recipe and didn't put in any wrestling youtube videos.

Here you go!

Cheese Sauce

Last post, I said something along the lines of "my daughter doesn't eat much of anything."

It's true. 

But she does eat pasta. She doesn't really like red sauce, but anything cheesy is fine.

Thus, cheese sauce for all your Fettuccine Alfredo needs.

1. So, you've made some pasta already, hopefully. In a pot big enough to hold all that pasta, melt a couple of tablespoons of butter. Don't burn it. Keep the heat nice and low.

2. Put a heaping tablespoon of flour into the melted butter and whisk.

3. Once all the flour in incorporated, pour a cup of milk into the butter mixture. (You've got a white sauce!)

4. Now add as much as a cup of grated cheese into this and take it off the heat.

5. Mix it up a little bit, and then throw the pasta into it.

Feel free to add any number of secret ingredients to this sauce. A teaspoon of Worcestershire works, or a little paprika, or any number of things. You can also mess with the fat content of the milk for varying levels of creaminess.

Quick Cake

After the great moistness wars of the 1990s, it seems like all boxes of cake mix range from SUPER MOIST to HELLA SUPER MOIST.

That's fine, I guess. To me, the texture is getting farther and farther away from actual cake and closer to something that is individually wrapped.

I find it easier to work with cakes that are a little firmer. The following recipe is for a quick and easy homemade cake. There are a lot more complicated ways out there, with eggs separations, stiff peaks and temperature control. I'll publish one of those guys some time in the future. Those are great if you have all day; this is for people with shit to do.

1. Set out 2 eggs, a stick of butter, and a little over 1/2 cup of milk. You want these to be at room temperature when you start mixing.

2. Turn on the oven to 375.

3. Grease and flour 2 cake pans. Round 8 inches are preferable, but square ones will work too. Remember, wider pans will cook faster and narrower ones will cook slower. It's science!

4. In your mixer, or into a big bowl that works well with a hand mixer, add 7/4 cup cake flour, a cup of sugar, and a bit of salt. (If you are using salted butter, don't bother with more than a sprinkle. Otherwise, you want about a 1/2 teaspoon.)

5. Mix that up a bit to get everything uniform.

6. Add your eggs milk and butter, and slowly mix. Make sure you stop and check the bottom to make sure that all the dry ingredients have gotten wet.

7. Put a little vanilla extract, almond extract, or whatever you feel like, and mix that in.

8. Mix in 1/2 Tablespoon of baking powder.

9. Pour them into your two cake pans and toss those into the oven for about 20 minutes.

Now you've got some cake. After they are done, let them cool for a little bit, then you can frost them and stack them.

You might want to use a serrated knife to flatten the bulbous side of the bottom layer of cake, so the top can rest easily.

All in all, I think you'll fine it quite easy to make this cake.

Hard Boiled Eggs

So it's a little late to make these for Easter. Though, in many ways, it is still Easter at the Kennedy household. That is to say, I bought a bunch of 90 percent off candy from Target.

Anyway, it's important to know how to hard boil an egg. You need it for the egg salad that the kids love, and that macaroni salad, and, I dunno, deviled eggs?

This is how you do it.

1. Set your eggs out so that they can rise to room temperature.

2. Put your eggs in a pot.

3. Cover with cold water.

4. Turn on the heat to medium.

5. When the water starts to boil, turn it down to a simmer and note the time.

6. After simmering for about 3 minutes, you will have soft boiled eggs. (These are good if you need to feed a pulp detective. I always picture them eating soft-cooked eggs, despite being "Hardboiled".)

7. After 10 minutes, remove your eggs from the hot water and set them in some cold water. (This keeps them from cooking more, and it keeps the yolks from turning that ugly color.)

8. Crack the shells and roll them in your hands to peel.

Remember kids: the fresher the eggs are, the harder they are to peel.

Muffin Tips

I plan on making some muffins this week. Muffins provide the fun of quick breads without all that tedious slicing.

Here are a few things to help you out on your muffinly journeys.

1. Remember that muffin tins vary in size. Make sure you have the right size for your recipe, or plan ahead if you know you are using a different size.

2. Put a little water in the bottom of the leftover muffin tins before putting the tray in the oven.

3. If you don't have those little papers, grease the dick out of those muffin tins.

4. If you do have those little papers, grease the tops of the tins anyway to avoid having any spills or overflows sticking to the pan.

5. If your muffins come out with weirdly shaped tops, your oven is too hot.

6. If your muffins aren't rising very much, your oven is too cold.

7. If your muffins come out just right, watch for BEARS!

Getting Rid of Tomato Skins

Let's start with something simple: peeling tomatoes.

It is a 4 step process.

1. Boil some water.

2. Drop some tomatoes in said water. (About 2 minutes)

3. Take the tomatoes out.

4. Pull the skin off. (It should just slide right off.)