Banana Cake

All right, all right, maybe I just did a couple of banana recipes. But, guys, this banana cake is so good. It can work with frosting, caramel, whipped cream or just powdered sugar on top. I show it with the powdered sugar, which is good if you are eating it same day. Otherwise, go for a nice frosting.

To make up for another day of bananas, I give you lots of pictures!

1. Set out a stick of butter, 2 eggs and slightly more than 1/4 cup of vanilla yogurt. (Don't mix them, just take them out of the fridge in order to get to room temperature. )

2. Turn on the oven to 350.

3. Mix 2 1/4 cups cake flour with 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder, 1 tsp of baking soda, and 1/2 teaspoon of salt.

4. Put the stick of butter in the mixer and cream it.

5. Add to the butter 1 1/2 cups sugar.

6. Add an egg into it and beat it.

7. Do it again.

8. Mash up 1 cup of bananas and mix it with the vanilla yogurt.

9. Now, pour the flour mixture and the banana mixture into the butter mixture in about 3 batches a piece, stirring between each addition.

10. After everything is smooth and mixed, pour the batter evenly into 2 nine-inch cake pans.

11. Bake for about half an hour.

12. After the cakes have cooled, stack them up with a layer of sliced bananas in between.

13. Dust with some powdered sugar.

It kinda looks like a giant moon pie.

Cheese Sauce

Last post, I said something along the lines of "my daughter doesn't eat much of anything."

It's true. 

But she does eat pasta. She doesn't really like red sauce, but anything cheesy is fine.

Thus, cheese sauce for all your Fettuccine Alfredo needs.

1. So, you've made some pasta already, hopefully. In a pot big enough to hold all that pasta, melt a couple of tablespoons of butter. Don't burn it. Keep the heat nice and low.

2. Put a heaping tablespoon of flour into the melted butter and whisk.

3. Once all the flour in incorporated, pour a cup of milk into the butter mixture. (You've got a white sauce!)

4. Now add as much as a cup of grated cheese into this and take it off the heat.

5. Mix it up a little bit, and then throw the pasta into it.

Feel free to add any number of secret ingredients to this sauce. A teaspoon of Worcestershire works, or a little paprika, or any number of things. You can also mess with the fat content of the milk for varying levels of creaminess.

Simple Meatloaf

I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday. . .

No wait.

So, meatloaf can be as simple or as complicated as you'd like it to be. Some people throw in oats or onions, some people shove carrots in there, and really you can do whatever you want with it. Except this.

Never that.

Anyway, the following is a kid-friendly recipe that I have been making since age 9. It is simple, unpretentious, and has no chunks of anything scary in it. Basically, it is ideal for a picky 9 year old.

(My daughter won't eat it, but she won't eat anything.)

This is the sort of meatloaf you put ketchup on, and not the gravy sort. I don't want to mislead you.

1. Turn on the oven to 375.

2. In a large bowl mix 1lb of ground meat, 1 egg, 1 small can of tomato paste, 1/2 cup of Italian breadcrumbs, a little bit of salt, and a little bit of onion salt. Mix it up with your hands, until it is good and squishy.

3. Form a loaf shape with the meat and, for goodness sake, put it in a loaf pan.

4. You can squeeze a little ketchup on the top like Sandra Lee. Just make sure you use a goddamn loaf pan.

5. Cook it for about an hour.

If you want, you can throw some yellow cheese on top of the thing, and throw it back in the oven to melt for a few minutes. Use American cheese if you want. It isn't dinner party food; this is more like "I want to drown my sorrows in meat" food.

And meat makes things better.

Quick Cake

After the great moistness wars of the 1990s, it seems like all boxes of cake mix range from SUPER MOIST to HELLA SUPER MOIST.

That's fine, I guess. To me, the texture is getting farther and farther away from actual cake and closer to something that is individually wrapped.

I find it easier to work with cakes that are a little firmer. The following recipe is for a quick and easy homemade cake. There are a lot more complicated ways out there, with eggs separations, stiff peaks and temperature control. I'll publish one of those guys some time in the future. Those are great if you have all day; this is for people with shit to do.

1. Set out 2 eggs, a stick of butter, and a little over 1/2 cup of milk. You want these to be at room temperature when you start mixing.

2. Turn on the oven to 375.

3. Grease and flour 2 cake pans. Round 8 inches are preferable, but square ones will work too. Remember, wider pans will cook faster and narrower ones will cook slower. It's science!

4. In your mixer, or into a big bowl that works well with a hand mixer, add 7/4 cup cake flour, a cup of sugar, and a bit of salt. (If you are using salted butter, don't bother with more than a sprinkle. Otherwise, you want about a 1/2 teaspoon.)

5. Mix that up a bit to get everything uniform.

6. Add your eggs milk and butter, and slowly mix. Make sure you stop and check the bottom to make sure that all the dry ingredients have gotten wet.

7. Put a little vanilla extract, almond extract, or whatever you feel like, and mix that in.

8. Mix in 1/2 Tablespoon of baking powder.

9. Pour them into your two cake pans and toss those into the oven for about 20 minutes.

Now you've got some cake. After they are done, let them cool for a little bit, then you can frost them and stack them.

You might want to use a serrated knife to flatten the bulbous side of the bottom layer of cake, so the top can rest easily.

All in all, I think you'll fine it quite easy to make this cake.

Baconated Potatoes

So, I've been meaning to make Spätzle, photograph it, and write up a nice recipe.

The problem is, tomorrow is Hitler's birthday. It's not really the time of year to be celebrating German things. So, even though I have relatives names Braunscheidel, it is going to have to wait.

Instead we'll do Baconated Potatoes. These things work for pot-lucks, brunches, Christmas or the Fourth of July. They re-heat well if you return them to the frying pan.

The rules are really loose here and dependent on personal tastes. This is a recipe of "some"s and "about"s. I use about 4 pounds of potatoes and about a pound of bacon. That makes enough for a party, so your mileage may vary

1. Remove blemishes from some potatoes and chop them. (You can peel them, but the skins won't hurt you unless you eat a whole lot. Just make sure there aren't ugly spots or eyes.)

2. Bring a nice big pot of seasoned water to a boil for the potatoes. (Salt and pepper make everything better. A little oil in the pot helps keep things from boiling over.)

3. Drop the potatoes in when the water is boiling. (Be careful not to burn yourself.)

4. You are going to want to boil the potatoes until tender. It usually takes about 20 minutes, but may take longer depending on the size of your chop and the age and breed of potato.

5. While those boil, fry up a pound of bacon in a big frying pan or skillet. Get it nice and crispy. (Wait for the pan to be hot before you drop the bacon. It might take a few batches if your pan is small. If you pan is small, though, you might want to get another one going because you are currently boiling a lot of potatoes.)

6. Pull the bacon out of the pan, set it aside and save the grease in the pan.

7. Drain the potatoes and set those aside. (If you are super cheap, you can save the potato water for soup or bread-making.)

8. Now fry up some minced, crushed, pressed or otherwise smashed garlic in the bacon grease. Just a little, don't burn it. (Feel free to throw in some chopped onions, too. I don't like them, but they work well here.)

9. After you've garlic-ed up the bacon fat, put the potatoes in there and fry away. (The potatoes are already cooked, so you just want them to 1. get color, 2. get crispy, and 3. soak up that bacon grease.)

10. After the potatoes have sucked up all the bacon grease, the bacon should be cool enough to chop. So, chop it.

11. Throw the chopped bacon into the potatoes, and toss it around till mixed.

12. Salt and pepper to taste.

Hard Boiled Eggs

So it's a little late to make these for Easter. Though, in many ways, it is still Easter at the Kennedy household. That is to say, I bought a bunch of 90 percent off candy from Target.

Anyway, it's important to know how to hard boil an egg. You need it for the egg salad that the kids love, and that macaroni salad, and, I dunno, deviled eggs?

This is how you do it.

1. Set your eggs out so that they can rise to room temperature.

2. Put your eggs in a pot.

3. Cover with cold water.

4. Turn on the heat to medium.

5. When the water starts to boil, turn it down to a simmer and note the time.

6. After simmering for about 3 minutes, you will have soft boiled eggs. (These are good if you need to feed a pulp detective. I always picture them eating soft-cooked eggs, despite being "Hardboiled".)

7. After 10 minutes, remove your eggs from the hot water and set them in some cold water. (This keeps them from cooking more, and it keeps the yolks from turning that ugly color.)

8. Crack the shells and roll them in your hands to peel.

Remember kids: the fresher the eggs are, the harder they are to peel.

King Koopa Muffins

See these things?

Did you know they could be made into food?!
It's true!

Since theses strange things are green, yellow and orange, we have decided to name these muffins after one of the greatest heroes of our time.

1. Turn on the oven to 365.

2. Grease up a muffin tin. This should fill up 12 standard sized muffins fairly well. (I suppose you can use a Big Top Cupcake if you want one Giga-Bowser muffin, but you'll have to adjust time and temp.)

3. Toss a stick plus 3 Tablespoons of butter in the mixer with 2 eggs, 2/3 cups light brown sugar, 1/2 cup white sugar, and 1 teaspoon of vanilla.

4. Mix that till it is fairly uniform.

5. In a separate bowl, combine 2 cups AP flour, 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 2 teaspoons of cinnamon, 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg, 1/4 teaspoon of cloves and 1/2 a teaspoon of Morton Salt. (“I won’t publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it. My only official recommendations are US Army issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence fine two inch style oscillating knife blade.”)

6. Add the dry ingredients to the wet, and stir until mixed.

7. Stir in 1/2 cup finely shredded carrots, 3/4 cups finely shredded zucchini, and 3/4 cups finely shredded yellow summer squash. (I used baby carrots, but only because that is what I had. It's a lot easier to use whole carrots. Don't you be like me.)

8. Fill up the tins evenly. (I find it easiest to use a small measuring cup to scoop the batter into the cups. When scooping make sure that none of the vegetables have clumped together, and pull out any pieces that may be too big. )

9. Toss them into the oven and bake for about 22 minutes.

10. Now, you just have to employ some turtles and mushrooms in your schemes to best a plumber!

Muffin Tips

I plan on making some muffins this week. Muffins provide the fun of quick breads without all that tedious slicing.

Here are a few things to help you out on your muffinly journeys.

1. Remember that muffin tins vary in size. Make sure you have the right size for your recipe, or plan ahead if you know you are using a different size.

2. Put a little water in the bottom of the leftover muffin tins before putting the tray in the oven.

3. If you don't have those little papers, grease the dick out of those muffin tins.

4. If you do have those little papers, grease the tops of the tins anyway to avoid having any spills or overflows sticking to the pan.

5. If your muffins come out with weirdly shaped tops, your oven is too hot.

6. If your muffins aren't rising very much, your oven is too cold.

7. If your muffins come out just right, watch for BEARS!

Multiple Warning Cookies

As fun as it is to have "secret" ingredients, today's fancy pants modern world tends to have a lot of folks with "dietary restrictions." Some of these are self-imposed, like those irritating vegans who aren't Daniel Bryan. Others folks have genuine allergies or intolerances, which makes revealing certain ingredients necessary. 

Even if you think they are whiners. 

At any rate, the following is my recipe for peanut-butter cookies. Beware peanut allergy sufferers and vegetarians. 

This recipe was reverse-engineered from legends of a family recipe, and creates a a very crumbly cookie with a rich flavor. It tastes fine plain, or with added chocolate chips.

1.  Turn on the oven to 375. 

2. You want to beat half a stick of butter until it's nice and soft. 

3. Beat into the butter 1/4 cup of bacon grease. (Did you know that there are perverts who throw away bacon grease? If you don't have any bacon grease, I suppose you could use some grease from prosciutto or pancetta.)

4. Add to this 1/2 cup of white sugar and a 1/2 cup of packed brown sugar. 

5. Mix it until it is good and creamy. 

6. Mix in an egg, 1 cup of peanut butter (I like Jif), 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda and a touch of vanilla. (You want to get a sense of the flavor here, despite the risk of salmonella. If your bacon grease was good and salty, you're set. Otherwise, you'll want to mix in 1/2 teaspoon of salt.)

7. Add about 1 1/4 cups of flour to the dough and mix until combined. (If it looks oily, add up to 1/4 cup more flour. At this point, feel free to throw in some chocolate chips or chunks and fold them into the dough.)

8. You want to roll the dough into balls that are about an inch in diameter and place them onto a cookie sheet. This recipe should make about 5 dozen cookies. (If you have a seasoned cookie sheet, it wont take much grease to keep these things from sticking. Just drop in some vegetable oil, and push it around the pan with a paper towel.  If you've got nice, new cookie sheets, buy some parchment paper. Cut the paper to fit the inside of your cookie sheet, spray it with a little Pam and put the cookies on top of that.)

9. When the balls are on the cookie sheet, take a fork and use its tines to push the cookie down. Then turn the fork 90 degrees and do it again. (You can't have peanut butter cookies without those little squares on top.) 

10. Toss them into the oven for about 10 minutes or so. 

You can impress all your hipster friends with the bacon products inside your cookies! 

(I should have some photos of these from the Mosquito Song release party. Sadly, I never got those pictures from my brother-in-law.)

Not-so-classic Banana Bread

As I said, quick breads hold up to some experimentation. This is today's experiment. 

I didn't have any shortening or walnuts, so I used what I had.

We start with the classic banana bread recipe, and make a few changes.
-We changed the 1/3 cup of shortening to 1/2 cup unsalted butter.
-We substituted half the white sugar with brown sugar.
-We added 1/3 cup of quick cut oats to the banana mixture before the flour.
-In lieu of nuts, we folded in a 1/2 cup of chocolate chunks.

Lots of changes. Still good.

Classic Banana Bread

Banana bread are part of the quick bread family. These are pretty hearty and easy things to make that can stand up to some experimentation.

Why?

Because quick breads don't use yeast, and yeast is the prima donna of the baking world. You've got to give it a lot of time, the right temperature, and whisper sweet nothings into its non-existent ears.

Things like pumpkin bread, banana bread, zucchini bread, and corn bread are much friendlier and more user friendly. Even poorly made quick bread is still pretty good. . . usually. 

Here is solid recipe for Banana Bread.

1. Take two eggs out of the fridge and let them warm to room temp. (Just do this in advance. Don't be stupid and microwave them. If you are stupid and do that thing, video it and put in on YouTube for me.)

2. Turn on the oven to 350.

3. Grease up a loaf pan. (If you don't have one, they sell the disposable foil ones at most grocery stores. Sizes vary, and you'll have to adjust the cooking times accordingly. Ideally, for this recipe you want a pan that is 8 1/2 inches by 4 1/2 inches.)

4. Whisk together 1 3/4 cups of all purpose flour, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and a touch more than 2 teaspoons of baking powder. (Always remember, baking powder and soda are different things.)

5. Set that bowl aside.

6. Mix until creamy 1/3 cup shortening, 2/3 cup sugar, and a touch of grated lemon rind. (A. In a perfect world you do this in a stand mixer, but not all of us have those things. B. Shortening is a good thing to have for baking. You don't have to refrigerate it, and I really like the Crisco logo. The only downside is that it is really hard to clean off of the measuring cups.  C. The lemon rind makes everything better, but isn't essential.)

7. Take your eggs, beat them a little bit and throw them in the shortening mixture.

8. Add a little over 1 cup of mashed, ripe banana pulp to the shortening mixture. (This is about 3 good sized bananas. I like to use bananas that are ready to fall off the bunch if you pick them up, spotted, but not too dark. If they get too black, you might have a fermented flavor to the bread. Though, the really dark ones can be squeezed out of the peels like toothpaste and that is satisfying.)

9. After the eggs and bananas are thoroughly mixed into the shortening mixture, add about 1/3 of the flour mixture to it.

10. Mix and repeat until all the flour mixture is incorporated. (Make sure you get to the bottom of the bowl so that everything is relatively uniform.)

11. Add 1/2 cup of chopped/smashed/broken nuts to the bowl. (Walnuts are probably the best, but other nuts work.)

12. You want to fold the nuts in with a spatula. (Using the stand mixer here might smash them too much and throw off the consistency of the bread.)

13. Pour and scrape this mixture into the loaf pan.

14. Throw it in the oven until it is done. It should take about an hour.

Some folks say that this stuff should be eaten right away, but honestly it holds up pretty well just sitting on the counter. Just keep it covered with a little plastic wrap after its cooled off, and you have a quick breakfast of quick bread ready for a few days.

You be the judge!

I bought a bunch of banana from Hyde Park Produce for 19 cents a pound.

Should I make Banana Bread or Muffins tomorrow? Also, do we want almonds or chocolate chunks?

(Pictures and recipe to follow if it turns out pretty.)

Easy Apple Crisp

This is a good dessert for get-togethers as it is easy to make it in bulk and tastes good hot or cold. It calls for 4 cups of apples, and will work best with a mixture of differing tart ones.

Still, it tastes fine with canned apples or peaches or the like.

1. Turn on the oven to 375.

2. Peel, core and slice 4 cups of apples and put them in a dish. I've used pie pans, various casserole dishes, and other things. As long as it is deeper than a jelly roll pan, and the apples aren't stacked too high, you should be fine.

3. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons lemon juice over them.

4. Cut up half a stick of cold butter into smaller pieces and throw them into a bowl. Salted butter is fine here. If you use unsalted, you're going to want to throw in 1/4 teaspoon of salt later.

5. Into the butter bowl add 1/2 cup flour, 1/2 cup brown sugar, and a teaspoon of cinnamon.

6. You want to mash these together until you get something that looks like cornmeal.  A pastry blender works well for this, but you can use a couple of butter knives in tandem or a fork. Fingers will do as well, but you have to be careful not to work the butter too much; it might make things oily.

7. Sprinkle the crumblies on top of the apples, and throw the whole thing in the oven for about 30 minutes.

You're done. Pull it out whenever the color looks good to you. None of the ingredients are dangerous to eat raw. I think the stuff tastes best when it is fresh from the oven with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.

Hollandaise

Hollandaise, celebrate, it would be so nice.

Hollandaise sauce might be one of the 5 most delicious things ever invented. Whether you are making Eggs Benedict or just sprucing up some steamed asparagus, its a nice way to impress houseguests.

 Just be careful with it, and make it at the last minute.

You need a wire whisk to do the beating here. Don't mess around with a fork.

The recipe has a lot of steps, but it isn't too complicated. It will make a cup of hollandaise.

1. Get two pots of water ready. One should be brought to a boil, the other should be be heated below boiling point and should be able to fit a double boiler.

2. Melt a stick of butter and set it aside. (You might want to use clarified butter, if it is a muggy day. Otherwise, regular old butter works.)

3. Put 1 1/2 Tablespoons of lemon juice in a tiny nesting bowl, and set that aside.

4. Put 3 egg YOLKS in the double boiler over the hot water. The water should not be boiling and the double boiler should not be touching the hot water.

5. Beat those yolks until they thicken a bit.

6. Remember that boiling water? Grab a Tablespoon of it and dump it in your eggs.

7. Beat those yolks until they thicken a bit.

8. Add another tablespoon of the boiling water to the yolks.

9. Beat those yolks until they thicken a bit.

10. Add another tablespoon of boiling water to the yolks.

11. Beat those yolks until they thicken a bit.

12. Add another tablespoon of boiling water to the yolks.

13. Beat those yolks until they thicken a bit.

14. Now throw the lemon juice into the yolks and take it off the heat.

15. Keep beating it with the wire whisk while adding the melted stick of butter.

16. Throw in a hint of salt and a tiny bit of cayenne.

17. Keep beating until it is thick, and serve it right away.

There is a cheater way to make hollandaise, but I never tried it, personally. Y'all are welcome to, and tell me how it goes.

a. Get a blender.

b. Drop in 3 egg yolks, 2 Tablespoons of Lemon juice, a touch of salt and a tiny bit of cayenne.

c. Put the lid on it

d. Microwave a stick of butter until it bubbles.

e. Blend the stuff in the blender on HIGH for a few seconds.

f. Take the lid off the blender while blending and slowly pour the hot butter over it.

e. When the butter is poured the sauce should be done.

Buttermilk Pancakes

Buttermilk pancakes are, in some ways, simpler than plain pancakes. The ingredients are less likely to be in the average home, but it is a lot easier to get a good color on buttermilk pancakes.

This recipe, done plainly, tastes just like McDonald's Hotcakes. If this isn't a good thing for you, add a little vanilla to the wet ingredients or cinnamon to the dry or something else to change things up.

1. Whisk together 1 cup of cake flour with 1 teaspoon of sugar, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, just under 1 teaspoon of baking powder and 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda. You can sift these together if you want to be all fancy, but it will still work if you are lazy and don't want to take the time to buy a sifter and subsequently try to use it and clean it.

2. In a separate bowl beat an egg. Just a little bit. Until it is light.

3. Add to the egg 1 cup of buttermilk and 2 Tablespoons melted (unsalted) butter.

4. Combine the wet with the dry with as few strokes as possible.

5. Cook them like you'd cook the plain pancakes.

Pork Chops with Apples

I've neglected pork for far too long on this here blog. No more!

The following recipe is for 1/2 inch think pork sirloin chops. Loin chops will also work. Chops of differing sizes will work to some degree, just adjust the cooking times as necessary. Trichinosis isn't is common as salmonella, so under-cooked pork isn't as scary as under-cooked chicken.

Still, I don't want you bothering me with your hospital bills.

I imagine most people have most of these ingredients in their kitchen already. Maybe you need to buy the pork chops and the apples.

1. In a large ziplockish bag, mix 2 Tablespoons flour, 2 Tablespoons cornmeal, 1 tablespoon dried rosemary (crushed between two spoons), 1 teaspoon of salt and a bit of pepper.

2. Put 2 Tablespoons of olive oil and 2 Tablespoons butter in a frying pan, and heat to medium high.

3. Right as the butter starts to smoke, cook pork chops. It will take between 10 and 15 minutes. You only want to turn them once, so wait about 6 minutes before you do.

4. The pork should be nice and brown. Move it to a dish and keep it warm. Put a lid on it, or foil or an upside-down plate.

5. Now dump 2 apples cut into wedges into the same oil in which you cooked the pork. Sprinkle a teaspoon of sugar over them.

6. Cook for a minute, flip them, cook for another minute.

7. Garnish the pork with the apples, either on the platter or on individual plates.

Quick Note

Do not make the previous recipe, the Swedish Lemon Angels.

It is an April Fool's recipe. Do you know what happens when you dump a cup of lemon juice into a mixture with 5 tablespoons of baking soda?

SCIENCE!

(Regular recipes return tomorrow.)