Zucchini Muffins!

How could you not like a muffin?

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Make sure the oven is empty first. If you had a cat in the oven, magical things could happen.

2. Get some zucchini!

3. Grate those two zucchini. You don't have to peel them or seed them or anything like that. Just cut off the ends.

4. In a bowl combine two eggs, 4/3 cup of sugar and a half tablespoon of vanilla.

5. Now add the zucchini to the eggs and sugar.

6. It looks like spinach dip, but don't eat it. 

7. Now for a trick that makes everything better: a stick and a half of melted butter!

 8. It's pretty tempting to drink that butter, but go ahead and pour it into the zucchini mixture. 

9. Now get a new damned bowl. 

10. Into this bowl add three cups of flour, two teaspoons of baking soda, a half teaspoon of salt, just under a tablespoon of cinnamon, and a 1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg. 

11. Oh, you should probably mix it. 

12. Then mix the dry into the wet. It'll turn out pretty thick. 

13. Grease the crap out of a muffin tin. Those papers are for the weak. 

14. This mixture will not pour. You'll need to spoon it into the tins. Go all the way to the very top. 

15. Pop it into the oven. 

16. Close the oven door. Otherwise the kitchen gets very hot. 

17. The oven should be done in roughly thirty minutes. 

18. Transfer from the rack to a rack.

19. I didn't make a boob joke!

20. Now eat the muffins. Eat all the goddamned muffins!

Parmesan Pizza Dough

Sure, we all love pizza.

But who can afford those ridiculous frozen pizza prices?  $5.99? All right, Mr. Rockefeller!

Anyway, making pizza dough is easy enough. The tricky part is starting about 2 hours before you want to eat it.


1. Let the tap water run on hot for a bit to get some warm water. It takes my faucet a little while to get warm. You'r gonna want a cup of warm water. Around 110 degrees or so. You don't want it boiling or anything like that, just warm enough to activate the yeast.

2. I a large bowl, mix one of those little envelopes of yeast with your warm water, a tablespoon of olive oil and a teaspoon of honey.

3. Let is sit for a couple of minutes until it looks foamy and slightly blurry (like you are a mostly incompetent photographer).

4. Add 1 1/2 cups of flour and up to a teaspoon of salt. Mix until smooth.

5. And another 1/2 cup of flour and mix until smooth.

6. Add 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese and mix until smooth.

7. Add another 1/2 cup of flour and mix till smooth.

8. Knead the dough on a floured surface for about 3 minutes to 5 minutes.

9. Oil a large bowl. Use about a tablespoon of olive oil.

10. Put the dough into the bowl, turning it around so that the oil is all around the dough.

11. Wait for it. . .

 12. Wait for it. . .

 13. Wait for it. . .

 14. Wait for it. . .

 15. Wait for it. . .

16. Now you've got some pizza dough. This takes about 75 minutes.


Now, this is enough dough to make one really big pizza or two decent sized pizzas.

Here's what I did last time:

a. I put my pizza stone in the oven (bottom shelf) and then turned the oven on full blast about an hour before cooking time.

b. I spread the dough out into two rounds by hand: one on a floured cutting board to transfer onto the pizza stone, the other on a pizza sheet that has been greased and sprinkled with corn meal.

c. Sauced them. Cheesed them.

(Make sure they are blurry!)

d. I slid the cutting board pizza onto the pizza stone and put the pan pizza into the shelf above. 

e. The pizza stone pizza is done and ready in about 7 minutes, whereas the tray pizza will take a little longer. 

f. The stone pizza gets some fresh arugula from the dirt worshiping heathens of my community garden and some prosciutto on top of that to hold it down. The other pizza is for my kid, who doesn't want to eat anything. 

Time for a Pizza PARTY!

Frosting for Crimmus Cookies!

As a follow up to yesterday's cookie recipe, here is the frosting.

1. Toss a half stick of butter in the mixer.

2. Add 2 cups of confectioner's sugar.

3. Add 2 tsps of vanilla and 3 TBSPs milk.

4.  If you'd like add 1/2 tsp of almond extract.

Now, you can frost and decorate the cookies.

After 1/2 and hour on the cookies, the frosting should harden to the point that you can stack the cookies. Still, it is best to separate layers with waxed paper.

Store the decorated cookies in a tight fitting container with a slice of bread to maintain softness.

I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth. . .

If you're like me, and I know I am, you might not read recipes carefully prior to going shopping. Then you're in the middle of baking and realize that you can't finish the recipe.

What to do?

Well, generally, it is best to go back to the store. Or find a different recipe.

But we can SUBSTITUTE. Sometimes we can even SUBSTITUTE for a SUBSTITUTE!

Here are some quick fixes for what you might be missing.

ALL SPICE: Use a mixture of half cinnamon and half cloves.

BAKER'S CHOCOLATE: You can replace an ounce with a tablespoon of Crisco and 3 Tablespoons Cocoa powder.

BUTTERMILK: You can use yogurt in most recipes, or make some buttermilk by pouring a cup of whole milk over a tablespoon of white vinegar and letting it sit for five minutes.

WHITE SUGAR: Brown sugar, just use 25% more.

Seriously, though. Nobody keeps buttermilk in their house, right?

Quick Cake

After the great moistness wars of the 1990s, it seems like all boxes of cake mix range from SUPER MOIST to HELLA SUPER MOIST.

That's fine, I guess. To me, the texture is getting farther and farther away from actual cake and closer to something that is individually wrapped.

I find it easier to work with cakes that are a little firmer. The following recipe is for a quick and easy homemade cake. There are a lot more complicated ways out there, with eggs separations, stiff peaks and temperature control. I'll publish one of those guys some time in the future. Those are great if you have all day; this is for people with shit to do.

1. Set out 2 eggs, a stick of butter, and a little over 1/2 cup of milk. You want these to be at room temperature when you start mixing.

2. Turn on the oven to 375.

3. Grease and flour 2 cake pans. Round 8 inches are preferable, but square ones will work too. Remember, wider pans will cook faster and narrower ones will cook slower. It's science!

4. In your mixer, or into a big bowl that works well with a hand mixer, add 7/4 cup cake flour, a cup of sugar, and a bit of salt. (If you are using salted butter, don't bother with more than a sprinkle. Otherwise, you want about a 1/2 teaspoon.)

5. Mix that up a bit to get everything uniform.

6. Add your eggs milk and butter, and slowly mix. Make sure you stop and check the bottom to make sure that all the dry ingredients have gotten wet.

7. Put a little vanilla extract, almond extract, or whatever you feel like, and mix that in.

8. Mix in 1/2 Tablespoon of baking powder.

9. Pour them into your two cake pans and toss those into the oven for about 20 minutes.

Now you've got some cake. After they are done, let them cool for a little bit, then you can frost them and stack them.

You might want to use a serrated knife to flatten the bulbous side of the bottom layer of cake, so the top can rest easily.

All in all, I think you'll fine it quite easy to make this cake.

Muffin Tips

I plan on making some muffins this week. Muffins provide the fun of quick breads without all that tedious slicing.

Here are a few things to help you out on your muffinly journeys.

1. Remember that muffin tins vary in size. Make sure you have the right size for your recipe, or plan ahead if you know you are using a different size.

2. Put a little water in the bottom of the leftover muffin tins before putting the tray in the oven.

3. If you don't have those little papers, grease the dick out of those muffin tins.

4. If you do have those little papers, grease the tops of the tins anyway to avoid having any spills or overflows sticking to the pan.

5. If your muffins come out with weirdly shaped tops, your oven is too hot.

6. If your muffins aren't rising very much, your oven is too cold.

7. If your muffins come out just right, watch for BEARS!